omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Please don't give away my fajitas
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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