I faked an abortion last night.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
