He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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