Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
