Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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