:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
