What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
