I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
