So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
me + whiskey = a bad person
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
