pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
