seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
