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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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