Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
