Cold hands, warm shart.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize