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I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
