so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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