forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
