We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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