Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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