i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
