There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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