My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
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