I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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