Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
