im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
