I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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