Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
ok first of all what the fuck
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
