cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
