this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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