As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
