in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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