i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize