I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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