I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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