I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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