what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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