She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize