He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
