I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
