you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
