i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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