my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
