A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
