i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
