Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
