I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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