i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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