if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
