Define "chronic" masturbator.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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