I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
