You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm at about main and main street
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
