Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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