Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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