God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize