The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize