Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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