Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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