Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
