I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
We are all done wearing pants today
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
